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Baby, Change, Children, Family, Grief, Identity, Mothering, New Beginnings, Self

Stopping the Craving…

 

Over the last few days my world has consisted of opening boxes and bags and trawling and sorting through clothing. Anywhere from 0000 to size 5. Yes I think I am coming to realise the fact that I have hoarding tendencies but that’s not the point of this post. You see its looking at all of those 0000 jumpsuits and singlets that nearly have me in tears.

I know it’s just clothing you are saying. Well its more than that at this point in time. You see little person number three is our last. It doesn’t have to be, sure we are physically able to have a fourth child but for all the other reasons – finances, space, logistics it’s just not possible. I must clarify. It’s just not possible for the life we want to provide our children or ourselves for that matter.

So here I am sitting in a pile of baby clothes losing my shit because of what the clothing represents. I have dreamed of having four children since I was a little girl. I don’t know why, I have come from a family with one sibling, yes my parents have come from a big family but I see my cousins regularly and they have children too so it’s not that my children don’t get to see or play with other children and it’s not like I missed out as a child, my cousins were like siblings. For me it feels like this overwhelming ache. The problem for me is how to dull that ache. Does it just go away? Some have said to me that you know when you’ve had your last baby. You are happy and content with that. Intellectually I know I have had my last baby but emotionally and spiritually I am still awaiting the full stop.

Yes I am one of those who loved being pregnant, I felt closer to spirit and more intuitive in my life than any other time. I’m not saying its all roses though, the births always scared the shit out of me but it was always for a purpose and a reason. I loved those first 24 hours of my little people’s lives. They were magical moments that I can never repeat that still take my breath away. But this isn’t the only reason I want another little person. Believe me I’ve analysed this till I have done my own head in.

I know people think you have 3 beautiful, healthy, happy, intelligent children why do you need to have another. The answer – Just because that is what I feel. You know that feeling that you have to do something because you have that overwhelming urge. That is all quite simply.

In the meantime while I stave off this craving I’ve coloured my hair red from blonde, I’ve started back at the gym, I’m looking to go back and study more. Ive even looked at getting a dog. All in the name of preventing thoughts of another baby.

So how do I stop this craving? Has anyone else had this problem? What thoughts did you as a man or woman have about adding or not adding another baby to your family?

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About Bringing Spirit Into The Everyday

Modern Suburban Hippie (minus hallucinogens :) ) Vegetarian. Passionate. Love Laughs. Yoga. Chai Lattes. Crystals. Oracle cards. Goddesses. Angels. Spiritual. Perfume Loving. Intuitive Parenting. Breastfeeding Mama. Sport Loving. Opinionated. Scorpio. Psychologist. I have 3 little people who rock my world.

Discussion

27 thoughts on “Stopping the Craving…

  1. Gosh, I’m probably the last person to advise you on this (having four myself)… In fact, I’d probably be less than helpful and saying “give it time and see what happens”… I wanted 6 or 7. I fought hard for four. Part of me would still like 6 or 7 but financially we are really struggling (we weren’t when 4 arrived, but a few month later my Dh lost his job and since then it’s been a bit of a nightmare). Having a slight comfort buffer is well worth it – if that helps…

    Honestly though, it’s the whole “wanting to start a different part of my life” thing that has me stopping at four (besides which I’d need a new husband if I was determined to have nr.5 because this one would run for the hills).

    Give it time…

    Posted by Sif | April 15, 2011, 2:58 pm
    • So sorry to hear about DH. Hope everything is ok now. You make a very important point though to remember about the comfort buffer. I think that is definitely what is keeping it at 3 for me. I need my little luxuries. There would be none of that with 4 for us. Think its best to stick with the one youve got haha! Thank you

      Posted by 3precocious3lotus3 | April 16, 2011, 12:20 am
  2. Aussie bush flowers can help to ease you through the transition. The conflict isn’t essential to your story. Conflict is your mind trying to distract or separate you from what you really want.

    “You know that feeling that you have to do something because you have that overwhelming urge”

    If your feelings (heart) and your mind are disconnected the essences will help reconnect. Return to your meditation and you’ll get through it.

    Posted by Maryanne Sweet | April 15, 2011, 3:50 pm
  3. well after 3 cesearans and the pain and having 2 girls then i boy I was done happy and content. I kept some special pieces of clothing from memorable moment and of course have the photos as well…. Its easier as time goes on enjoy the 3 u have

    Posted by Katie | April 15, 2011, 3:53 pm
  4. P.S. Love your blog. I’m a subscriber now:)

    Posted by Maryanne Sweet | April 15, 2011, 3:53 pm
  5. You’ve changed your hair *and* your blog theme? Trying to make sure I’m in the right spot.

    Yes, I know the stuckness of needing to move on. Only a year and a half ago I went through an episode which meant having to make a final decision on 2 and kiss option of 3 bye bye. It was the right one, but not easy nevertheless.

    The ONLY thing that made it better, was that a close friend became pregnant, and I was able to pass all my beautiful baby things on to her very happily. I have grown nephews, no sisters- and probably never will. 😦 Had I needed to sell or give away these things to strangers, it would have been so, so much harder to stomach letting go.

    My best to you xx

    Posted by Twitchy | April 15, 2011, 5:10 pm
    • Haha! yes got it right. Im all over the shop! Am hoping change is a good thing. Although its not good ofr you its nice to hear other people have struggled too. makes me feel less silly. I have cousins having babies but that makes me want them more! we hand clothes around I think I just have to do what I have to do and bite the bullet. =( Thank you xx

      Posted by 3precocious3lotus3 | April 16, 2011, 12:29 am
  6. I always yearned for 3 children. Having had a boy first time round, when I was pregnant with my second child, I actually wanted another boy, so that my two boys would be close, and my third child – (my planned) beautiful baby girl – would be my last child.

    My boys were born 2.5 years apart, and then I waited for the third (my husband at the time was happy with just the 2), but then I started to get my life back, and (unfortunately) I think that is the secret to stop having children … once you do start to get your life back, it does make it hard to go back.

    Although I often think of my yearned for baby girl.. I’m happy with my two boys. There’s always (great) nieces and nephews to get the “baby fix”.

    🙂

    Posted by jlo | April 15, 2011, 7:22 pm
  7. My best friend has always wanted 4 children too! Always. She’s just had her third, but ironically, miscarried twins in between. It’s what she’s always wanted. I’m the opposite. I kind of just bumbled my way through it and got clucky every 3 years or so. I don’t know your circumstances, but I guess is there a reason you can’t have the 4th? I am a total enabler so probably not the best person to listen to. xx Loved this. Bern

    Posted by Bern Morley | April 15, 2011, 8:28 pm
    • Wow that is very interesting about your friend and her twins. So sad for her too I bet. Thats what Im worried about my cluckiness has occured earlier than normal – mine also around the 2-3 year mark. I dont know how Im going to cope at the usual “try for another stage”. Haha! love the support. Number 4 here we come =) Thank you for stopping by xxx

      Posted by 3precocious3lotus3 | April 16, 2011, 12:35 am
  8. You have a habit of picking topics that are totally in tune with my life!

    My husband and I have always swayed between 2 and 3 kids – if only you could really do 2.5! My husband, however, has really only wanted 2 kids. We have just had baby number 2; our second beautiful little girl. Despite what many people thought, having two girls has not changed his mind. He wants 2 kids and is happy with the two he now has. He has been open to discussion, as says he doesn’t want me to feel our family is incomplete and he would go back if I wanted to. Thinking it all through has been important for me to do now. I feel I need closure while baby is still a baby, knowing this is the last time for me to experience each stage as a mother.

    I loved being pregnant. After the pregnancy and birth of our first daughter, I thought “I can’t only do this one more time; I have to have 3 kids.” The second pregnancy was smooth but obviously more tiring. I started to think “how would this be the third time? Could I really give the little people I already have what they need and grow another little one?” But I was hanging out for that feeling of having my baby put on my chest for the first time and wondered if I could really only have that experience one more time. The circumstances of our second birth meant that holding my new little daughter for the first time was totally different to my experience the first time. It was special but not what I had bargained for. Since the birth I have had much time to process things. I now realise that going back for a third cannot guarantee the same experience in the first minutes of the baby’s life that I enjoyed the first time. I realise that it isn’t just about the first 24 hours I loved so much the first time but the rest of their life that is more important. Going back for a third child needs to be, for me, about having 3 kids and not having a third pregnancy, birthing and newborn experience.

    There is all the intellectual, rational, logical reasons for deciding whether or not to have more kids but I think the emotional reasons (both for and against) are the harder ones to process. I started the thinking process through the second pregnancy and am glad that I did. It has meant that neither the gender nor the birth experience has had a huge impact on my decision and it has allowed me to make the decision with my husband this week, giving me the closure I want. I feel at peace with my decision and feel that my family is complete. I hope you can find these same feelings; one way or another 

    Posted by C-O | April 15, 2011, 9:11 pm
    • Thank you so good to hear other people having to process similiar issues. I too thought a lot about my 3rd being my last but the fourth issue just keeps popping up – no idea why! Sounds like you two have thought thoroughly through everything. Kudos for being so clear and efficient =) Appreciate you commenting xx

      Posted by 3precocious3lotus3 | April 16, 2011, 12:39 am
  9. I feel the same. I gave away all my baby stuff after 2 and then changed my mind. Last year had number 3, I love him so much and think yea i could have another one but reality, house is not big enough, would need a new car. I feel sad that he is growing far too quickly and he is my last. If you find out how to fix this let me know!

    Posted by Nicole | April 15, 2011, 9:16 pm
    • So very similiar. I did though keep my baby items for the third its more that as I have to give away all of the current baby stuff I am struggling. I shouldnt be needing again but the sad thoughts are still there. Will definitely let you know if I find the secret! Maybe tattslotto =)

      Posted by 3precocious3lotus3 | April 16, 2011, 12:41 am
  10. Ah I can empathize. I feel pretty similarly at times-except for me I have 2 babies (aged 6 & 9 – not so baby anymore) but always envisaged having 3. I also loved being pregnant-LOVED it. I felt like a total earth mother goddess-in tune with my body & the universe. Sometimes I imagine still the feeling of a baby inside me, and wish I could experience that again. There are many reasons why I probably never will though-not the least of which is because I’m a single mother and am almost 39. So have pretty much decided I’ll never have any more. And while I’m at total peace with that, and in fact most of me relishes the freedom I have to fulfil long held dreams (like going to uni) now my kids are both school age, I suspect there’ll always be a part of me which regrets the baby that never made it earthside. But hey-another part also thinks, perhaps that soul will come through as a grandchild instead-how cool would that be?! And really happy I’ll never have to give birth again! Plenty of positives 🙂

    Posted by Jayne | April 16, 2011, 2:40 am
  11. Oh Cath, I definitely hear you on this one….even when I have been told ” no more babies” by my specialists the ache does not pass nor the sneaking ideas that maybe just maybe….and yes I am very grateful for my healthy child and to be here together but I also had dreams of four and now it seems that not even 2 will be possible…does it make it easier that someone else said no? No….I have heard that the ache fades…for me it comes and goes in intensity….I come to terms with it, accept it, move on and then bam it comes back full swing and drags me under like an undertow…especially when people close to me have newbies. I want Finn to have what I had, a best friend in a sibling…I want to relive the experience again with new awareness and more focus on the present moment (as it felt like it went by in a dream), I want to meet another little person created by me and my husband, watch them unfold and discover who they are…..but my life, my family’s life would be compromised by us doing this…(so they tell me!) it’s hard to see the sacrifice and the compromise when all you can see is the joy…at the end of the day while I agree with the lifestyle you want to provide particularly in terms of education, do you really care where you went to school or is it the relationships in your family that move you and the education you received from your family that held you in the best stead for life? I will always vote for more children! It’s a heart versus head choice and on this one I am done…hopelessly devoted to motherhood.xx

    Posted by Em | April 17, 2011, 4:29 pm
  12. I’d love another child, I’d love for my daughter to have a little brother or sister. I don’t crave it, though. If it happens, it happens. If not, well, I have one, and my biggest fear in life was always to not have children. That said, I’m also scared witless by the idea of having another child to look after. It’s odd.
    As for your dying your hair, going back to the gym etc, I relate to that, too, but for other reasons. Idle hands are the devil’s tools & if I’m not busy I get myself into strife. I drink or gamble or something I shouldn’t be doing….at least not at midday.

    Posted by Troy Dunne | April 26, 2011, 10:01 am
  13. I am going through similar moments, but unlike you I know I am done at three! Even though I still cry when I ditch our 9mo old girl’s clothes. And I still get teary when she reaches milestones as I know she will be last in the house doing those things. Pregnancy and the first 24 hours definitely are amazing. I suppose it is just getting used to the next stage of our life which will take time. xx

    Posted by bigwords | April 26, 2011, 11:08 am

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