Over the last few days my world has consisted of opening boxes and bags and trawling and sorting through clothing. Anywhere from 0000 to size 5. Yes I think I am coming to realise the fact that I have hoarding tendencies but that’s not the point of this post. You see its looking at all of those 0000 jumpsuits and singlets that nearly have me in tears.
I know it’s just clothing you are saying. Well its more than that at this point in time. You see little person number three is our last. It doesn’t have to be, sure we are physically able to have a fourth child but for all the other reasons – finances, space, logistics it’s just not possible. I must clarify. It’s just not possible for the life we want to provide our children or ourselves for that matter.
So here I am sitting in a pile of baby clothes losing my shit because of what the clothing represents. I have dreamed of having four children since I was a little girl. I don’t know why, I have come from a family with one sibling, yes my parents have come from a big family but I see my cousins regularly and they have children too so it’s not that my children don’t get to see or play with other children and it’s not like I missed out as a child, my cousins were like siblings. For me it feels like this overwhelming ache. The problem for me is how to dull that ache. Does it just go away? Some have said to me that you know when you’ve had your last baby. You are happy and content with that. Intellectually I know I have had my last baby but emotionally and spiritually I am still awaiting the full stop.
Yes I am one of those who loved being pregnant, I felt closer to spirit and more intuitive in my life than any other time. I’m not saying its all roses though, the births always scared the shit out of me but it was always for a purpose and a reason. I loved those first 24 hours of my little people’s lives. They were magical moments that I can never repeat that still take my breath away. But this isn’t the only reason I want another little person. Believe me I’ve analysed this till I have done my own head in.
I know people think you have 3 beautiful, healthy, happy, intelligent children why do you need to have another. The answer – Just because that is what I feel. You know that feeling that you have to do something because you have that overwhelming urge. That is all quite simply.
In the meantime while I stave off this craving I’ve coloured my hair red from blonde, I’ve started back at the gym, I’m looking to go back and study more. Ive even looked at getting a dog. All in the name of preventing thoughts of another baby.
So how do I stop this craving? Has anyone else had this problem? What thoughts did you as a man or woman have about adding or not adding another baby to your family?