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Friendship, Grief, Identity, Relationships

A friend knows the song in my heart and sings it to me when my memory fails

The shift in energy of the space between us was so real. It was hard to acknowledge and in some ways I was attempting to ignore it….but it was there. The emotional distance palpable. No avoidance of the situation was going to make it better or change the outcome.

What happened? I do not know for sure, you have an inkling but nothing is clear. Although my feeling is confirmed when the mailbox is empty, the text messages stop and the accidental run ins dwindle – the universe is supporting this separation and I have no idea why and how it has happened.

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I truly believe this.

I have interesting friendships. I never grew up with the big group of friends from primary school, who we then kept through high school who have gone onto university or careers and then had their babies at the same time. mmm no that’s not me. At times in the past I’ll admit yes I have envied that. I don’t really have a true BFF. I have some really close friends though and they make me smile and my heart sing. There are a couple that come really close to BFF status but I don’t think we’ve actually called it that as it’s not so clear-cut. Or do you just know?

Friendships fascinate me. Probably as I said because mine have been so varied. I suppose I am actually quite a guarded person therefore rarely let someone into the sacred space of friendship. I havent been void of close friendships. Every few years I would make a very solid friend who would accompany me for a few years. Most of the friendships didn’t end horribly, we just tended to grow apart. A lot of those friends I still have now but in a different context for the relationship.

I believe in the past I have made friends a whole lot easier with males than females. Of late it has been a lot more difficult, as by this age these men I am friends with have wives, partners or girlfriends. Although we would all like to think that a female friend doesn’t matter in all of these cases whether it is the primary female in their life who restricts contact or whether it is just the difficulty of the male finding it now too hard to be friends with a female as well as have their relationship I am not sure but that dynamic rarely works for me anymore.

I suppose you could say that friendships are on a continuum of closeness or as has been described, a circle of friends, having positions in different circles surrounding you.

Personally, my relationships shifted and changed over the years but most significantly when I became a mother. This was not necessarily after my first as my friends at the time either had their own children or my friends were fairly accommodating and socialising didn’t really change.

I think the major change has actually occurred whilst I was pregnant with my third baby and subsequently from that point on. Given, my case wasnt assisted in the first few months of her life but I found that I just didn’t and don’t have the time to do much other than attend to my own little family and then the next circle out which includes my parents, extended family and some friends. These are the friends that it doesn’t matter if you text message them or phone them, let alone see them.

Currently most of my non-family interactions are being played out in the school forum again, social media and occasional friendships. Although mostly superficial I can feel them deepening and becoming more meaningful.

At times I feel awful as I just truly run out of time, I don’t get to go out as much. As most people concur, when children arrive on the scene their needs become a priority. Socialising and independently going out take a back seat for a few years.

I know in the past I have been no angel. Sometimes I’m not happy with the way I have contributed to some friendships and as the saying goes there is always two sides to the story. I am also very aware of what triggered my behaviour in the first place as a reaction to that friend’s behaviour. Alas, this cannot be dwelled upon.

Each friendship had its purpose, at times I reflect it would be great if the dynamic was different but we can’t change the past. I can only control the future and I know for a few years now that my friendships have been sincere. I will not compromise being true to myself and therefore if a relationship or friendship falters it is because it has placed me in that position. Thankfully if they blossom now, I know from my perspective they are from a position of my truth, integrity and mindfulness. If I am not being true to me then how can I be true to you in a friendship.

I am blessed to have come in contact with so many beautiful intelligent souls in this lifetime. I honestly have treasured every interaction and look back fondly on those moments, weeks, months or years. Although some of them may have soured I am grateful to have had the experience as it has brought me to the person that I am today. Closer to my true self. I just hope there is no negative feelings being held onto from the other party. If there is, I invite you to approach me.

In relation to this current friendship cooling I can only really wait to see how it plays out….all the signs are there. I think I now need to deal with my feelings of loss and ignore whatever the possible reasons are as I can not change them. Ruminating about reasons isn’t going to clarify it, it will only make my feelings worse. It must be time to thank the friendship and move on – if only it was that easy.

So what makes a BFF? Has your experience been the same as mine or have you had a solid group of friends for many years. Has technology helped to maintain these friendships or even jeopardised them? Has a particular event changed the dynamic of your relationship? I want to know has anyone ever addressed the friend in the relationship that has soured if you can figure out why it has happened?


About Bringing Spirit Into The Everyday

Modern Suburban Hippie (minus hallucinogens :) ) Vegetarian. Passionate. Love Laughs. Yoga. Chai Lattes. Crystals. Oracle cards. Goddesses. Angels. Spiritual. Perfume Loving. Intuitive Parenting. Breastfeeding Mama. Sport Loving. Opinionated. Scorpio. Psychologist. I have 3 little people who rock my world.


15 thoughts on “A friend knows the song in my heart and sings it to me when my memory fails

  1. Really beautiful post. My friendships have changed vastly over the years, moves, life changes. One friendship in particular still bothers me – somebody I worked with in the US, who became a sort of mother figure and we were very close when i had my first child, and then completely cut off. I have attempted to contact her a few times via email, little if no response. Have let it go but every now and again I see a little something she gave me (great gift giver) and am reminded and it still makes me sad.
    Michelle x

    Posted by Michelle Higgins | May 3, 2011, 1:43 am
  2. This is a tough one to respond to, and I mean that in a good way. Like you, I’m guarded, therefore my closest friends today are those with whom I went to high school ( I know you know that :-)) and along the way there have been many times where I’ve met people who seem nice enough & whose company I enjoy but I have thought, “I have my friends, I really don’t want or need anymore. I quite like this little box I live in..” That may be arrogant or even flat out rude, but that’s how it was. Like you, I also enjoy the company of the opposite sex, I think of myself as being very lucky for having as many, if not more, female friends than male..but you’re right, as we get older & have kids etc they get harder to maintain for whatever reason/s.
    Great stuff as usual, Cath 🙂

    Posted by Troy Dunne | May 3, 2011, 8:32 am
    • A friend and I have actually had discussions about trying to fit new people in our lives when we fail to keep contact with those friends we already have. We feel like its more pressure. But then we dont develop new friendships – catch 22. totally understand your viewpoint. Thx for the comment xx

      Posted by 3precocious3lotus3 | May 3, 2011, 12:04 pm
  3. A great post Cath, I have to go by anon as my story of friendship lost is still so sensitive. A few years back my best friend at the time lost her brother in a road accident. I was there for her immediately, travelling to pick her up & take her back home to our home town. I took over a week off work to stay with her & her family as they made all of the arrangements, I basically became the ‘manager’ of alot of things. I did anything possible to help.
    Within weeks after the funeral she dropped off contact, no txt responses no phone calls, no e-mail. I kept trying for many months, nothing.
    I knew she’d had contact with others. It turns out she cut off contact with nearly every one of the friends she had at school in our home town. I don’t really understand what happened, but I basically had to move on in life without my best friend. Occasionally I would realise that I didn’t have her to share something important with and it would hurt. I trust that everything happens for a reason, though I must admit I still miss her, even as a friend, not neccessarily BFF. She used to share in my excitement & sadness & want the best for me in a way that no-one else ever really has. I was blessed to have that experience of friendship, I hope to find something just as special again.

    Posted by Anon | May 3, 2011, 10:11 am
  4. Wow what a powerful post. I moved from the UK to Melbourne 6 years ago and I have made some amazing friends. With caring for my mother who has Alzehmiers, family, kids, work I find it hard to keep the whole social side going. I miss my 2 bestest girlfriends back in the UK who I could turn for anything but late night talks on the phone I miss the most. Friendships do come and go like you say for a reason. One of my best friends I only met in my 30’s the other is from school, so it’s not the length of time that makes a best friend or friendship it’s the quality . Thanks for sharing such an awesome post

    Posted by Nathalie | May 3, 2011, 10:34 pm
    • That must have been so difficult for you! Although it is difficult I am glad that other people are feeling or have felt similiar situations. So true about the quality not the length. My ship has sailed for length anyway with long standing friendships. Maybe one will pop up eventually. good luck for you too.

      Posted by 3precocious3lotus3 | May 5, 2011, 1:16 am
  5. Great post Cath. From 3-4.30am (after being woken by my cat at the door), I couldn’t fall back to sleep. What popped into my head? Not one, but two relationships that are sucking right now. It all went around and around in circles until I exhausted myself, because I crave resolution.

    We simply can’t control anyone else’s conduct or understand their actions if they either do not see why or how upset we are feeling, or will not share why they are behaving a certain way. I am dealing with one of each right now.

    The thing that got me back to sleep was the knowledge that I had a Kinesiologist appointment at midday and I knew exactly what I was going there to clear. It was excellent, who knew 3am was ‘Liver Time’ in Chinese medicine? I also had a Bach flower remedy cocktail made up for last thing at night and first thing in the morning. I also feel immediately better for having aired my grief.

    Posted by Twitchy | May 4, 2011, 11:14 pm
  6. Loved that piece and enjoyed the comments also. I can relate to so many aspects. Friendships change over the course of our lives and understandably many of us are considered ‘time poor’ as we juggle the needs of family, employment ………and friends. I have a solid group of friends from my school days …..didn’t really keep in contact with friends at uni as I felt content with my existing friendships. Made some quality connections at my first place of employment where I remained for some years. I have since left this place of employment and the area but some of these friendships remain integral to who I am. There may not be regular contact ….. there is the physical distance, the fact that many of us have young families …. but when we do catch up it is like old times. It is fun, incredibly easy and it reminds me why we are friends. It is those friendships that are unlike any other. I miss some of these friends but I will always know that they are there and that brings me great comfort.

    Posted by E! | May 6, 2011, 5:32 am
  7. This is a wonderful post.

    I’m also going though a transitional change with a lot of friendships (particularly school ones). While it’s sad, I know it’s time to let go. Some of them have turned into toxic friendships where I don’t feel good after seeing them. Life’s too short to be around negativity or people who put you down.

    The friends I have now, and since becoming a mother, are the ones I know are true and will have for life. The ones who we can go for weeks without talking, or can catch up in our trakkies.

    I’m also loving the new friendships I’m making online and seeing them grow and develop and hopefully some turn into friendships in real life.

    Friendship really is fascinating. 🙂

    Posted by AmeliaMW | June 1, 2011, 10:01 pm


  1. Pingback: My Name Is Earl « Precocious Lotus - May 30, 2011

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