In the end, it doesn’t even matter……*

Girl meets boy on the internet. Girl and boy become friends. Girl and Boy know they have some sort of connection. Girl and Boy lose contact. Boy recontacts 10 months later. Girl and Boy fall in love. They live happily ever after…..oh that’s right, life doesn’t always give you fairy tale endings.

It’s the blog post that I never knew if I would or could ever write it. It can’t explain everything but it can explain the experience from my perspective. I will be honest and tell you now, I have no idea what the other person is or was thinking about this situation. I have an idea in my mind, but whether it’s correct, I will never know. Why? I have come to the realisation that the person will not contact me to clarify anything that went on.

I know that this has happened to other people. I’m sure it will still happen to people in the future. I honestly don’t think I planned to blog about it but through all the sifting, reflecting and processing over the last 10 months, it’s come to the point that I have to share this experience to own it. To let it go. To diffuse the energy and power that is still present in this energetic piece that sits in my life.

I didn’t want to talk about it, write about it, and discuss it with other people because I’m a private person. In lots of ways this has helped with hiding the truth. Colluding with the perpetrator. I was a perfect candidate to facilitate this story line if you will. Empathic, caring person, didn’t push or ask too many questions as aware due to my professional background that people come around when they are ready. I was a trusting person who to a fault could always see the other person’s point of view or believe that most things are possible.

I can handle relationship break ups. I can handle people not being in my life. So why has this knocked me around so much? What can’t I handle? I can’t handle that I wasn’t worth the truth. This isn’t just a bad break up that I’m holding on to or that I miss him in my life. This is the hurt and pain that I let someone into my life, as closely and as intimately as I did, when I pride myself on who I let close and then they lie to me. This is that it makes you question your judgement of character and feel that your intuition went AWOL. This is losing any confidence you held of a belief system that you thought was securely cemented in your being. That I was fed lies when I call bullshit very quickly sticks like a knife in my heart. No prettying the truth. I have had physical aches in my heart and breast area for the past 10 months. Numerous medical reviews, tests and appointments with various practitioners. This emotional pain, manifested physically. I thought I could clear it by doing the work on the inside. It’s driving me to let it be known. To sitting and writing about it right now. I’m not holding on to this hurt any longer. I’m not allowing myself to direct anymore energy to the situation by not discussing it. It’s taking more energy to ignore it than it is to let it go and reveal the truth.

So, what happened you ask? This would probably be the longest blog post you ever read if I was to mention every single detail. So I will explain the basic scenario.

I fell in love with a man called Mark. Mark isn’t his real name, nor is Mark an actual person. The person who created Mark is real. I know that we fell in love. I have the correspondence. I know that I didn’t make this information up or make up what I believed was going to be our future as the words are written clearly about intention and feelings. Mark didn’t ever ask for money, he actually never asked for anything from me. He showered me with multiple expensive gifts. He was thoughtful, he listened to what I said and wrote. But Mark wasn’t real. I have photos of someone, I have no idea who the image is of who I fell in love with. I have voice messages of someone, who I thought was Mark, but I have no idea who the person is and then I have all the emails, tweets and direct messages of someone, who it is, I will only know if the person comes forward. Whilst doing my processing the thought arose early on and to understand it in my mind I could compare it to a death but surreal in that I knew that the person behind Mark was still alive.

Who knows why the person did as they did? That it was all just a game, a story for their creative outlet, to pass the time away? Did they plan to have such strong feelings for me? Was it all just script? I have conceptualised it for me to contain my thoughts. I’m happy to hear the truth from the person behind Mark and the invitation is open to explain their truth and experience of our relationship.

Why did I not want to write about this? Not only was it that I am a private person but the embarrassment that arises that I put myself in such a situation or that I didn’t recognise it earlier that it was a scam. I know I’m a smart woman, this absolutely gutted me that I could appear so stupid. My ego screamed that I have to just get on with things, that if I ignored it, it wouldn’t have happened. How do you ignore a relationship where you loved someone like you had never loved another before? How do you ignore the intensity of feelings that you felt over so many months?

I write this for many reasons, personally so that it closes this chapter in my life and allows other aspects to be processed. I also write this though as I always do, so that it can help others. There are so many different layers that it may speak to you at various points.

I put it out there as an intention prior to this relationship, to journey to anahata {heart chakra}, the depths that I have reached journeying has been profound. The lessons but also the pain. What has this taught me? The actual relationship taught me a lot. Though even more so, the processing afterwards has been a life changer. I am not the same person and I will never be the same person. Everything I ever feared arose to process and work through.

This post only skims the surface of so many areas of my life it has affected but also themes that I have thought about and worked through. This may produce blog posts about all of the topics or it may just be the full stop. I’m not committing either way.

I suppose my message here is that you are tougher than you realise, you can get through hell and walk out the other side. I know that I will have other events in life that will cause me sadness and hurt but I also now know if I can get through this I will remember that I am strong and that I will always be okay. I have learnt that I must never ever shut down my heart. It does not matter how hurt you are that living a life without love, feeling it, radiating it and receiving it, isn’t a life at all. I have learnt about forgiveness, compassion, trust, faith and peace. I have learnt that some things you just have to do on your own. That it is you and your mind that have to resolve the situation. This does not mean that people cannot help support you on your path but they can’t do the work for you. They will facilitate the space for discussion, for treatments, for advice but it is you alone who has to heal yourself. I have learnt many lessons, that are too numerous to list but also deserve more depth than a simple mention. Although one last major point, I am grateful. Grateful to my body for speaking to me and telling me when things weren’t right, grateful that my body kept me on the path to continue learning and understanding myself, grateful that I met this person and experienced what I did so that I could become closer to my truth.

I’m still experiencing emotions about this situation. I’m still angry, some days more so than others. I still cry because of the person that I no longer have contact with {it was a relationship that had developed over years from a friendship} and for all that I hoped and dreamed of. I still get upset because it hurt me and I still have pain. I know this will shift and I will be stronger for it, but in those moments where I find myself still reflecting, I allow it to surface. I do not dwell but I do not suppress either. Neither is helpful.

This much is true:

I know, it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

* Title of a song by Linkin Park