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Adult psychology, Answers Are Within, Anxiety, Behaviour, Change, Everyday Psychology, Grief, Health, Life, Love, Mental Health, Mind-Body, Occupation, Psychiatry, Psychology, Self

I have a confession 



I have a confession. Its surprised me actually. As though it has snuck up on me. Its not like its something new though, its just that my awareness has been refined and magnified so much that its unravelled. To be honest, its probably been there all my life. Maybe that’s why Ive been directed on my lifes path as a psychologist to learn this karmic lesson. If your thoughts are that way inclined you would be nodding in agreement.

I don’t feel my feelings. Yes, you read right. Me and feelings are well aware of one another but before this realisation a little while ago after some deep soul searching I didn’t realise my behaviour. It sounds strange that a psychologist is saying this Im sure. But you see theres a difference between feeling feelings and being able to identify, assess, analyse, process, provide reflection and treatment and encourage change and add to that in someone else. Completely different ball game. Like rugby and football. Same but different isn’t it.

Upon this revelation I immediately wondered if I had been doing my job right, and briefly questioned as to whether I had been a fraud. Though quickly realised as I usually do of myself that I was being overly critical. But I suppose its like a builder who fixes everyone elses houses but doesn’t do their own house or renovations, or a landscape gardener whose garden is unkempt and overgrown. Its not that I didn’t feel any feelings, of course I know sadness, grief, hurt, happiness but its much much more measured. The pain was controlled, the reflection was onerous and at times pervasive and overwhelming, the efforts to shift the emotion and pain without feeling it? Extensive. Think it, understand it. Hell yes. With such expanse and intensity it floored me. Allow myself to feel the pain of the emotion though? Shit no.

Ive even arrived at the stage where I discredit my feelings because I should know better. I should cope and process them immediately. But just as a psychologists isnt the most helpful to have at an accident or traumatic event initially {I don’t know about you but I would much prefer emergency services or medical practitioners} nor are they the best occupation to have when experiencing a significant life event or even the day to day lose your shit {It’s a thing. That’s the technical term}. You’ve got to have them feels. It’s like trying to come off an addictive substance and ignore the shakes, the sweats, the insomnia, the lack of appetite, the vomiting. There’s only one way. Through it.

For clients, family, friends, colleagues, strangers, I can hold space perfectly. Im so good at not feeling feelings my “stuff” never gets in the way. Pats on the back hey. My life? Well Ive realised I protect other people without them having even requested it. I don’t like sharing my own emotions because I either obviously don’t want to hurt them or I don’t want them to have to hold my pain, have to experience possibly being uncomfortable with my feelings and emotions. The point is Im hurting myself by holding it in, explaining it away and trying to just get on with things. The pain and emotion still sits there and has been building up. Its had no outlet. Im not invincible. I know I have feelings, emotions and reactions to all of my life events whether they be conscious or subconscious thoughts but I was being too smart for my own good.

I did breathwork while I was pregnant with my first daughter, second child. The practitioner said to me, feel it. Get out of your head. I was offended, how could I be a psychologist and not know feelings. I still didn’t quite “get it”. I continued to go and see her for a few more sessions before I gave birth. I may have made some shifts but nothing like the realisation I have had recently. I used to get many of the young angry males when I worked in psychiatry both Adult and Child and Adolescent, I worked well with them, was able to establish rapport and maintain somewhat of a therapeutic relationship. Hindsight and retrospect are wonderful tools, if I knew then what I have learnt I would understand they were a mirror for some long held hurt that I needed to diffuse.

Really honest processing you have to get your hands dirty. You have to feel to move forward. Just thinking about it is too superficial. Eventually it catches up as your body gets tired of holding on and playing nicely any longer.  

Life gives us emotional opportunities to heal major themes and wounds that are either from this lifetime or past lifetimes {if that’s your ideology}, grab them with both hands. Feel them; through your tears and sobbing, through your yelling in the shower or into nature, through your physical exertion. Write it down, paint it out or tell someone who can hold that space for you; but just thinking about it, isn’t going to make it go away. The hurt can be searing or like a blunt knife, or an emptiness and loneliness that nothing has been able to fill, but it will pass. Pain isn’t forever, it moves through us if we allow it. It moves through us if we FEEL it.

Forever learning. Always evolving.



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About Bringing Spirit Into The Everyday

Modern Suburban Hippie (minus hallucinogens :) ) Vegetarian. Passionate. Love Laughs. Yoga. Chai Lattes. Crystals. Oracle cards. Goddesses. Angels. Spiritual. Perfume Loving. Intuitive Parenting. Breastfeeding Mama. Sport Loving. Opinionated. Scorpio. Psychologist. I have 3 little people who rock my world.

Discussion

One thought on “I have a confession 

  1. How much did I enjoy reading this ? So much that I came back for a second time. You are now “getting it” from the total human experience not via a title or role. Huge stuff this, and amazing learning! When we drop the name of what we do or are and become the person it makes us both vulnerable and empowered! Happening to me somewhat now too, in my retirement I’m needing to unshackle from my career/identity to become ME.. And I’m challenged to Get to know me … It’s time though! Ain’t no time like now as they say. This post really resonated C! D xx

    Posted by denysejwhelan | March 25, 2015, 10:54 pm

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